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jeudi, novembre 5 2009

Strange day, strange times

Do I make my best to challenge my life for the best? This last month has been so long and I have to re-think about my acts to improve my life. It seems a bit clearer for me that I do not make you happy and that it is better for both of us to go on on different paths, even though it is difficult to admit it. Even more since the last time I saw you, when I learnt that the past times have not been easier for you. But I hope it will change because how could a great women like you be unwelcomed on Earth? If I could imagine such a destiny for myself, I would lose my faith and values if this was realizing. I guessed with your last picture that found a good friend, and if he can make you as so happy as you look, then I wish I were meeting him one day! Reach happiness, on my side I will try to do my best to get mine too.

dimanche, octobre 4 2009

Twelve days from now...

Hello dears,

The more the date of my trip in the past approaches, the more I think about you, but it seems you now escape from me. I hope it is that you found friends or something to fulfil more your life and to get free from the net, which I still did not manage. And I am even always in love with you. I agree you almost became kind of an idea, or maybe an ideal. An ideal of the good friend, an ideal of the charming wife, an ideal of exotics that is necessary to me. May I still use the word of love, or did I become foolish, I shall let the readers decide. I know that my words love may stand for desire, for passion, for obsession, I also know that I often think first about me when I think about you, because unfortunately, I do not know how to please you. I wish I could make you laugh, illuminate your life and so on. For sure I would like to make you presents, but I am too much afraid you could think that I pay you and that I do not have sufficient funds and possibilities now to suggest one of us to join the other. I would like to share many things with you, but from my side, the truth is that almost nothing happened to me since we have been separated. How to go away with this is a question I hope I will answer someday, but I grow at the same time the pleasant obsessive dream to live together in a sooner or later future. And I cannot detach me from this passion. Let’s try to sleep tonight despite I still suffer from these opposed ideas.

lundi, août 3 2009

Car la vie est un bien perdu quand on n'a pas vécu comme on l'aurait voulu. (Mihai Eminescu)

After a bit more than one month, I feel happy again. She accepted to re talk to me. She is so nice, such a good girl. She already made me three days ago a huge pleasure answering my sms sent for her birthday. Did she forgive me, I don’t think so, I could hope, but she already accepted a lot of inconvenience from me and I do not want any more her to suffer. I try to admit that it is better to live a long time doing a little continuous effort for a cause rather than giving its life for it. If the second solution may be the path of extraordinary men, heroes and prophets, it is probably not a way that could match with my personality and for sure it does not lead to happiness. I do not believe in anything more than in happiness. It is a chance; it is the possibility we have to explore to make a better world. Other values, other causes may be fair, because they finally often deal with comfort and beauty, which are necessary at a certain degree to contentment, but I hope that none of them I could believe in and follow during my life will ever make me forget about happiness, the love of the others and empathy. May I be strong to avoid such an alternative.
It also becomes harder for me to write on her herself since I surely idealised her a bit since I saw her, discussed with her face to face to see her true reactions. She now stands for me as the ideal relationship I could have with another human being. And what else to dream about? She is pleasant, always funny, extremely attractive, keeps a part of mystery, has unforgettable eyes and a hair so dark we imagine princesses when we are kids. If I turn around her when she was close to me, isn’t it because the world did it too? I do not imagine a world without a girl like her, she herself justify all the pain that was necessary to achieve such a perfect person. For sure she has the power to make people crazy, how to believe anything else if she says it is?
Tonight will be a good good night like the song says. Even if she did not had any word after a cut conversation, I now got another chance to follow her life, to share some messages with her, and I hope I could have a true friendship with her. I could scarify her my life if she asked but in other conditions it would be a nonsense. I hope I may one day assist her in anything or contribute directly or not to a better life to her and her dears.

dimanche, juillet 19 2009

A Saturday night dream

What to say if I am not listened to? I realized that if I can express my love, it will probably not be heard by its receiver's. It is strange how various are the ideas that can be related to this fact. I thought first about the descartian "I think, therefore I am", because an interesting alternative is to say that we exist through the other's point of view and feedback (that makes us thinking, Q.E.D.). But my affliction hides from me the fact that I did not become alone but just without the girlfriend I would like to talk to. Thus, I have to be more realistic and think about developing other relations to fulfill my life. This also conducts me to another idea that is that I am also writing because I hope it will help me to go through this bad period of my life. Meditation has probably helped and grown many of our ancestors, amongst them some very well known for their knowledge and philosophy. Moreover the use of writing was presented to me in the past in a very serious lecture of getting inspiration, self-confidence or communication skills, maybe both of these, but surely an added value on the educational way.

My actual retreat let me think a lot about myself. Is it a sign of selfishness? I agree I do not succeed so much in interesting myself to others’ problems and lives. I mean that like everyone I get most of what I am talked to, but I do not tend to enter in a more private circle with anyone. Then why don’t I consider myself as selfish so far, mainly because I do neither like myself. I do not like my physical aspect, and have not found till now improvement sources, I do not like my position, for instance I heard about myself I was a nice boy but without real specificities, passions or abilities, and thirdly, I sadly deplore my bad behavior that occurred in many situations. And it is very frightened that I reveal any reader that my single narcissistic temper addresses to a second personality I invented between five an ten years from now. But my schizophrenia stops immediately too since its character has no chance to exist one day, which reveals once more and proves me my littleness.

To react, and even Dorian Gray would admit that I could improve in the future after such a portray, since also I am not breezy and funny in society, I would like to start a new process : to think about myself and build, instead of the fantastic second personality I dreamt, the idea of the man I would like to become, secondly, I would like to find a passion or a field of knowledge I could focus on so as to get expertise in it, and thirdly to try to extend my social activities.

samedi, juillet 18 2009

Lost without life

I wish I were a talented writer
I wish one day I would be read by her
I wish her heart would feel some of my love
I wish I had something to be proud of.

Why did I leave to suffer from it now?
Was I awkward when I had to follow
The straight lines drawn in my heart?

She is the one I am crazy about
Day and night, I cry, how to live without,
But I do not want from any new start!

Be stronger and think, deserve from Charon
To come back and to repair by my own
The faults that tainted my soul of barbells
When my way left hers to fell in the hell's

dimanche, octobre 8 2006

Et avec du contenu, ça donne quoi ?

Souvenir de Stockholm

Ouverture de mon Gandi Blog

Je vais voir si cette fonctionnalité combiné à la gestion du nom de domaine me motive davantage pour alimenter régulièrement ce blog. Premier test : le premier post, je frissonne.

Premier billet

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